Max Zimbert

Posts tagged white house

Bizarro Futures of GOP Presidential Candidates (Or What GOP Presidential Candidates Will Be Doing in Six Months)

Tim Pawlenty: Motivational Speaker (who isn’t good at motivating or speaking), fair-weather Twins fan and full time consultant for Sonic.

Michele Bachmann: Backbench Congresswoman from Minnesota, advocate of Christianity, adoptions and ATT&T unlimited data plan for texts to and from God. 

Newt Gingrich: New York Times bestseller and, despite no daylight separating policy prescriptions or wold view, continues to be scrooge of RedState.com.

Ron Paul: Statler’s stand in.

Rick Santorum: Hangs around Iowa diners still introducing himself as something other than this.

Mitt Romney: Still running for president, but is now in favor of financial regulation, health care for poor people, limiting carbon emissions and balancing budget deficits on the backs of corporations, as well as haves and have-nots alike.

Jon Huntsman: Rides motorcycles around Utah and promotes Cap and Trade policies en route to sustained belief in science and 70s rock and roll. Never sees Broadway smash “Book of Mormon,” but by Jan. 21 2012, Hunstman will assume the Romney mantle. He’ll begin campaigning for GOPers in 2014 midterms as a dress rehearsal for his White House victory two years later besting New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo.

Herman Cain: Promoted to Junior Vice President at Koch Industries, Inc. full time, but also moonlights as an a cappella singer for Americans for Prosperity and Papa Johns. 

Rick Perry (not pictured): Is either still running for president or wins Austin Republican Club team cattle penning championship en route to his fourth win as Texas governor.